Note – I remove name and some personal information.
Letter from a friend
Today October 23, 2014 at midnight alone sitting in a chair with fear of future, regretting past, yes I am doing which is totally prohibited if you really want to live life in a positive way.
But if I was able then why should I do this, I am struggling for a single ray of hope.
Sometimes I feel I am a dead man who is still doing living things taking breath but with no feeling of any happiness, whatever I do is act of a dead body.
It’s not that I became like this in a single day, when I looked back I realized I was dead long back but I never realized, how a dead man can realize. Something happened when my mind and body was tender, I said something from my heart in anger to someone and that’s words became reality, when they(referring as a person) must take care of this with love and understanding they showed that they don’t care, it’s like if you are hungry you will eat whatever I will provide but over the years it went so wrong that everything is now dead, it’s nothing that I will not take care of them yes of course I will but frankly as a responsibility not as a love, I think they also know this. Even if I want I wouldn’t able to do anything because I am dead now.
I always ask why me, what I have done in the past or even past life? I think it is totally unfair you are suffering because of your karma but you don’t know which karma? It is like you have to accept this as blind truth.
Now it’s just a surviving issue, surviving of dead man, it’s amazing, now in this world dead person also want to survive but for what reason, why this feeling of aliveness, it’s just a dead wish even this wish is not from heart, how a dead man can wish from heart.
I feel I am totally alone, no one is here to love me. I spent all my adolescent in just sadness, even without knowing it, I tried but failed to have any feelings. Now smiling is also a task for me, I know if I want to fit into society, then I have to smile, it’s a fake or real it doesn’t matter because no one want to hear your sadness.
But I am hopeful that one day I will become alive, I am hopeful that ‘one day’ will become soon in my life, I am hopeful I will feel everything once again, I will smile from heart, I am hopeful that soon I will meet someone so special in my life that my past pain is nothing in front of her love.